Mantras

{ from a recent work trip my husband took to India }

For the past thirteen years, my biggest mantra has been to look for the light, even in the darkest of circumstances.

But one of my favorite authors, Ethan Joella, wrote a beautiful book where one of the main characters "learned how to see in the dark" (A Quiet Life, p.284).

We talk often about how resilient children can be, but now I wonder if I, too, can be resilient? If I can still look for light as I've always done, can I add to it the discipline of learning to see where there isn't any?

There are several situations in my life where I simply haven't been able to discover much light at all, and it's here in these devastating places where my eyes may need to adjust. 

My husband's job, for example, takes him from us about one week of every month. It's one thing to eat dinner alone with the kids, take out the rubbish when it's five degrees out, or do all the late night pick-ups and drop-offs. It's an entirely different thing to fall asleep and wake up alone. I was always bad at being single (ask my poor girlfriends who stuck with me through college), but being single with eight children feels dark and unredeemable. I can absolutely do it, yes. I power through and tell myself how much energy I have, and soon he's home again, my safest person and my dearest friend, breathing rhythmically next to me in bed. I see light again.

But when he's gone, and I'm by myself, perhaps it's best to admit the light simply isn't there. I don't need to look for it. Instead, I realize, I am a braver, stronger person knowing that my eyes adjust and I can see just fine when it's dark.